It’s hard to believe but it was one month ago yesterday that Frank died. Some days are easier than others but essentially, it’s still rather surreal. I see a picture of him, I hear a song, I smell something – and I think of him. He still feels ‘real’ to me and I sometimes feel like he’s going to walk through the back door after visiting his friend up north, and then ask what time happy hour will be. I know better, of course, but that’s how I feel right now.
Yesterday two of Frank’s friends came over to help do some spring chores because I had surgery on the 23rd (a lapraoscopic supracervical hysterectomy to treat uterine fibroids and other issues) and can’t do certain things like lifting heavy items. I’m finding it’s not such a bad thing to ask for help, in fact, people actually want to help so who am I to argue?
While sitting on the deck in the sunshine yesterday, the three of us hoisted a couple of toasts to Frank. I imagine we’ll do that now and again as we roll along in our now somewhat emptier lives. I think we’ve come to realize that we all need each other – Frank’s friends that I’ve come to know better, my friends that they’re getting to know (and vice-versa) and of course me – we’re becoming a tight little group that understands how the others feel, and so it’s okay to talk about certain things that we might not otherwise with other people. I cherish the new friendships I have and I hope they feel the same, and that our friendships will only get better as time goes on.
I don’t know how much I’ll be updating this blog moving forward. Maybe not at all, I really have no idea. Clearly, I have moved into a grieving phase of my life rather than surviving mode which is really what this outlet became for me, so this may not be the place to express my feelings about my life’s new experiences. But if I find that what I want to say may appeal to others, I’ll drop a post here.
I would like to express a heartfelt thanks to those who have followed my blog for doing so. For many of you, you found some comfort reading my posts and that brings me joy knowing that what I had to say meant something to you. I have also become great friends with a handful of people through this blog that I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise, thank goodness for that because those individuals helped me along the way more than I could ever express. Love and hugs and gratitude to you all – you know who you are. 🙂
I also know there are those who are going through their own heartaches right now (some of those friends noted above) and I can only offer this advice – be good to yourself and let out the anger, sadness, happiness – all of those feelings you have. Do NOT bottle them up, do not ignore them or think you will deal with them later, it’s far too hard to live with. Find an outlet that works for you, whether it be blogging, exercise, talking. Whatever works but just don’t ignore how you feel. I did that for far too long (even with blogging I still managed to tamp down feelings I should have acknowledged at the time they arose), but now when my feelings hit…I just roll with them, and rolling is good.
That, my good friends, is all I have to say for now.