Just when you think there might be a positive light at the end of the tunnel, the light gets fuzzy. TB hasn’t had any cancer / chemo medications since he became extremely ill from them at the end of July. Over the last 4 or 5 days he’s had back pain. He thinks he may have just slept wrong or maybe bringing the trash cart down to the street tweeked it, who knows. But he’s been taking pain meds and not eating. After 5 pain pills yesterday and only water he threw up. I was honest about it and told him that I didn’t want to appear insensitive but he brought that on himself. It’s bad enough that he’s taking pain pills without food but the fact he doesn’t even want to eat until I literally force him to is exasperating.
I get so angry about that. I understand that it’s hard to eat when you don’t feel good. I do. But what he doesn’t yet seem to understand (even with hearing the same from his daughter) is that the body needs x amount of calories per day just to sustain its systems, to make sure everything is working well and together. Without food you become weak and fatigued. Oh, he’ll say he had a protein drink. I’ll say, how about some toast? No thanks. He says he feels a lack of energy. Well, gee. Maybe eating something will GIVE you energy because you know what? Drinking a 250 calorie nutrition drink isn’t enough. There are some fantastic veggies and fruits that will do that for you.
I told him yesterday that I’m done offering advice on what to eat and said it’s now up to him to talk to his oncologist or his internist to have them connect him with a nutritionist. It’s going to sound to some people that I’m being harsh and appear as though I’m abandoning him. I’m not. He’s my husband, he’s my best friend. I’ll always be here for him. But my emotions are all over the board and this is hugely frustrating to deal with. I’ve decided is that if I’m ready for dinner that I’ll make enough for two and if he is going to eat with me, so be it. If not, it’s up to him to reheat or make something else when he’s ready. I’m not his mother, he’s a grown man who is NOT incapacitated, he can feed himself.
I had a rare breakdown last week and spent about 20 minutes in the bedroom – he doesn’t know this happened – bawling my head off as quietly as I could so he wouldn’t hear me. I was angry with him because of the eating issue, with me having to do EVERYTHING all the time (everything being – laundry, cleaning, figuring out what he’ll eat vs what he won’t – he offers no suggestions, mowing the lawn, hauling the stuff in and out of the truck on our vacation by myself, etc). It’s one thing if I were the only person here and that would mean it’s just what I have to do. It would be part of what my life is. But at this point I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was babbling to myself about different ways to having a discussion with him about all this, while at the same time trying to be quiet and cry and trying to blow my nose quietly. Did you know that’s really hard to do??
I don’t think people who haven’t lived with a person who has cancer can truly know what it’s like to be a caretaker. You get the brunt of their anger, their depression, their everything. You can’t take away their pain or their worries. There’s no rest for either of you. I’m speaking emotionally, of course. I used to think I’d been through some challenging times previous to this but those events were NOTHING compared to what this is like. I even seem to have developed a defense mechanism – I speak very frankly and perhaps too clinically about the cancer and the treatment (or lack thereof) and I wonder if that offends people. I don’t think I care. Put yourself in my shoes for a day. Granted, TB isn’t stuck in a bed – he just spends a lot of time there – he’s perfectly capable of moving to the couch or a chair on his own. He can drive. He can walk. But for a caretaker it’s a constant balance between walking on eggshells and terra firma and it’s damn hard.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I come out here and write. Though I don’t always post what I’ve written, mostly everything gets deleted, besides it’s really to get the crap out of my head so it isn’t THERE anymore. I have certainly been blessed with new relationships as a result of this blog which is so wonderful – Jacinta and Emma (big hugs to you both!) and my former co-worker friend BW has become a very, very good friend because of his own situation. I’m not sure what I’d do without these three awesome people in my life right now.
But I miss my best friends, I want them in my life along with my new friends. I miss R who I know is so busy with work and her own family and the fact we live so darn far apart doesn’t help, I can’t exactly just swing by and say hi, and I miss K, too. I’m sure I’m somewhat at fault about the friendships not being where they used to be, I tend to not call people as often as I used to because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m going to just whine. I wouldn’t, I actually want to hear some happy things that are going on in someone else’s life. Of even if someone else is having a bad day, tell me, distract me, let me help YOU. Though I did catch up with K a couple of weeks ago. I’m whining a bit now, yes, I think I’m entitled.
TB went to the oncologist yesterday (I couldn’t go as I had school) and for whatever reason, the Dr again didn’t handle the prescriptions right. Because of TB’s current back pain (which I pray is not the other kidney acting up and only a back twinge of some kind) he requested a muscle relaxer and another prescription of pain meds. The doctor forgot to write down the dosage amount on the prescription for the muscle relaxer and by the time the nurse realized it, Dr. R was gone for the day. The on-call doctor wouldn’t do anything with it so now we wait on that. TB told Dr. R that he won’t take Sutent or Aerida anymore, it’s just too much for him. So for now it’s an appointment on Friday for scans to see what’s going on and then results next week.
I just read my post and it sure is a ramble of things but at least that means it’s out of my head. For now.
My Cancer Hat 