Archive for May, 2009


Crabby Man

The dude is crabby today. Has been a couple times this week, very snappy and biting in responses to me – very unusual for him to be crabby more than a couple of times a month much less in a week. I’m walking around on eggshells again today (finally went shopping to get out of the house and give him some alone time). He told me he’s just sick and tired of everything and that he’s allowed to be that way because he’s human, so fuck it. Um. Yes, that’s true, dear. I asked if there’s anything I can do for him and he said no. I don’t ever ask more than once, if he wants something he’ll answer the first time, not a hem and hawwer and I refuse to coddle him.

He’s decided to tell the oncologist that he’s not going to take Zometa anymore unless they can tell him it’s really going to make a difference. Makes him feel like shit – used to be he felt just tired when it was 4 weeks apart for that part of his treatment, now it’s 6 weeks and he’s not only tired but his leg becomes painful. I think it’s too long in between those treatments and that’s why he’s reacting the way he is. But I’m not a doctor and so he needs to touch base with Dr. Rousey on that one.

TB has been enjoying the sunshine we’ve had lately, that improves his mood greatly. What doesn’t (aside from the cancer crap) is the winds we’ve had for a week or so but fortunately those have died down so maybe now his mood will improve again. Cross your fingers.


I’m crossing my fingers and sending big hugs and prayers your way in hopes that P’s new treatment (if he’s able to start it) will go better than expected. Keep me posted, okay?? Something HAS to work!! 🙂


A Pretty Shawl

Nearly two weeks ago TB and I were in the waiting room at the cancer treatment center, and I remember noticing a woman wearing a handmade shawl. I only know it was handmade because I’m a die-hard crafter (a.k.a. fiber arteest…) and am a snob about noticing well made handcrafted items. Initially, I couldn’t figure out if the shawl was knitted or crocheted or whether the yarn was hand dyed or if she had been changing colors as she went along, but I definitely recall thinking it was pretty and I wanted one. I thought at first it was crocheted and she used a hand dyed yarn but after seeing her on our local news tonight (link below), I’ve come to the conclusion based only on a comment from the reporter saying she was a knitter, that the shawl was likely knitted. Whether or not it was a hand dyed yarn, which would explain the beautiful transition from one color to the next, I still do not know.

I also remember thinking when I saw her that she must be at the treatment center early in her treatment or she, like TB, is on a treatment that doesn’t cause hair loss because though her hair was short, it was styled and very much how I would wear mine, were I so inclined or dared to. Then again, maybe she had lost her hair since December when she found out about her tumor, and this is how she looks now. Either way, after seeing the newscast and then remembering that I saw her, I not only felt I wanted to meet her, I wanted her shawl and her haircut. I’m not being flip, truly. The truth is that I have become so aware of how precious life is and notice more of the world than ever before. Even something as simple as a pretty handmade shawl or a haircut.

Link to the article – MOHPA

I Will Love Him Forever

The love of my life passed away peacefully on February 28, 2010. The fight he put up through this tough journey is truly commendable.

Though I am sad at his passing, I am so grateful for the time I had with him, our families and our friends. The memories of our times together will sustain me forever.

I think this quote, shared with me by a loving cousin, sums up how I feel.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss

My Cancer Hat

I'm a person who hates wearing hats, both literally and figuratively. Now I will be wearing a caregivers cancer hat because my husband has cancer and I need to be strong for him. But I also need a place to vent, look for support and find strength.

Hopefully, this blog will enable me to deal with the process and meet others who are going through a similar challenge.

TB’s Cancer

TB, my husband (TB is his nickname), has kidney cancer, stage 4. He had a kidney and the tumor that was in it removed in 2005. We discovered in September 2008 that it had returned and has now metastasized to his bones, specifically his right femur plus spots on his skull, his spine and his ribs, the inside and outside of his lungs, his brain. He is not curable.

TB was originally participating in a clinical study that would provide him with a treatment that would halt, for an unknown length of time, the proteins from getting to the cancer cells. So in essence, slowing but not curing, the progression of the cancer. There is no question he will die from this, the unknown factor is the 'when' it will happen.

Unfortunately, TB had to be removed from the study as the metastases have grown. He was placed on a new regimen of Aerida and Sutent but that didn't work out. It made him too ill. Now he's on a daily regimen of Afinitor - "Plan C" as we call it. Basically, we're working to extend his life but in a manner that will allow him to still enjoy it and maintain his dignity.

1/27/2010 - At the suggestion of our oncologist, TB will no longer take any cancer medications as the benefits do not outweigh the possible negative side effects a new medication would have. He will be transferred soon to a facility where he can receive rehab, as he is extremely weak due to the pneumonia and inactivity. Our goal is to improve his quality of life as best we can.

2/21/2010 - Frank is now home, we've begun hospice care.

May 2009
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